Obama Prepares to Ascend to Heaven: "My Job Is Done, States the Messiah"

President Obama ascended to heaven from the Sultan Hassan Mosque in Cairo. In a final statement before departing his home planet, Obama apologised for the harm done to the world by previous US administrations. His last act as US President was to officially dissolve the United States.

"It's all one world now. I have done as much as I can, it is now up to you. If you want nuclear weapons, there is no one left to stop you. If you want to destroy all the Zionist states in the world, who is to say you can't? The economies of all the European governments around the world are now as good as dead. My job is done. Good-bye."

Hillary Clinton -- who was present at the ascension -- was initially too flabbergasted to speak. After 30 seconds she recovered, however, and spoke into the microphone -- despite the lack of a teleprompter (the ascended president's teleprompter had ascended with him).

"I am now in control," the Secretary of State declared. "I am now carrying the football, and Air Force One is right here. From that airplane I could order the destruction of the entire world," she glanced around quickly on hearing angry shouts from Iman Abdel Fateh and Dr. Zahi Hawass who were also in attendance at the mosque.

"Oh don't worry, Imam! I'm not going to destroy anybody! I just want the people back home to understand that they still have to pay their taxes and obey the speed limits and all. Barack's ascension doesn't change a thing as far as how the US government does its job back home. Despite what Barack said to the European press, the US isn't really a Muslim country you know."

After her speech, Mrs. Clinton was hustled away by secret service agents to Air Force One, where a quick conference call was set up with Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer to line up US Congressional support behind Mrs. Clinton's unorthodox succession to power. There are rumours that Ms. Pelosi was implementing plans of her own for an end run to the presidency. News sources are remaining mum on the negotiations thus far.

Meanwhile, Joe Biden was last seen hurrying to an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. According to secret service agents on the scene, Mr. Biden was complaining -- to no one in particular -- mumbling under his breath ... "Barack gets ascended and I'm stuck in an underground bunker? What am I, chopped liver? I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this!"

When asked if he wanted to stick around and possibly get caught between Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton in an all-out war, Mr. Biden acquiesced, and was led quietly awy to his bunker.